Psychotherapy in a Nutshell
By Dr Coleen Jones
Prologue
Writing this book is a labour of love and has come together in order to bring a simple understanding to readers about the fundamentals of living more creatively and fully in this world despite the challenges that face each and every one of us. Therapy is one way of coming to know oneself and begin to live in a way which allows ones individuality to emerge and flow. We all know times when we have been in “flow”; when we surmount our surroundings, blend in with what is around us and allow things to happen in such a way that we emerge and become one with who and what is in our immediate environment … unself-conscious, simply engaged in the pleasure of an activity….in flow… simple Joy! We seem to need to lose ourselves in order to begin finding ourselves, this takes time and interfaces with a longing to get things “fixed” quickly. The words “things” and “fixed” indicate a mechanistic mindset, which reifies (rei=things, Latin) our emotions and experiences, as if we are a machine to be repaired in order to function better. We know what it is like to get bogged down, when things simply don’t go “with the flow”, when our plans get blocked in a way that is frustrating, when we feel generally out of sorts and unable to optimise and grasp opportunities.
Marianne Williamson quoted by Nelson Mandela at his inauguration as the president of South Africa in 1994 says:-
”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
“Chaos theory grounds us in the inevitable turmoil, discontinuities and limited predictability of ordinary life. Complexity theory reveals how development, new order and creative change self-organise; spontaneously emerging at the edge of chaos…these sciences model the deep and mysterious interpenetration between self, the world and others”.
Terry Marks-Tarlow.
1. Chaos
Hesiod an ancient Greek wrote “Theogony”, his story about creation and the panoply of ancient Greek gods which starts with the words “In the beginning there was chaos”. When we are beset by chaos in our lives it feels insurmountable and overwhelming, as if we can’t survive the forces and gales battering and storming our lives. It seems hard to believe at the time that anything might emerge out of the chaos. “Is it possible that something could emerge from the confusion and entanglements” we might ask ourselves. Our usual day to day thinking is characterised by a process of linear logic, which runs in straight lines, one step following on the next rather than by a process which is non-linear, discontinuous and circular at times. Often what emerges from the chaos is beyond comprehension, not what we would have imagined and sometimes better than what we had hoped for if we had applied linear logic. By way of an analogy Terry Marks-Tarlow describes how a horse changes its gait from a trot to a canter and says that in between the two rhythms the horse’s hooves are chaotic, they are all over the place and seemingly erratic, there is no specific position for each hoof yet they find their way into a new rhythm, position and pace. The horse then settles into the new gait and proceeds on its way. If we relax and trust the process, when faced with turmoil and uncertainty in our lives, and stay the distance, despite the discomfort and discombobulating effects, we are able to discover new ways of being and find productive insights and values which emerge out of the mists of chaos.
Michael:
Michael sought out a therapist and began his first session tentatively. He had emerged from the most recent chapters of his life in one piece glad to have made it through the turmoil. It transpired that he had managed to talk his way into a psychology degree as a mature student, but came to a standstill and faced a void after graduating. The course had taken every bit of resolve and determination he could muster in order to plough through the hours of backbreaking work and the difficulty of picking up where he had left off from school some ten years earlier. The stasis at the end was a shock. There weren’t any employment opportunities and certainly no pot of gold was to be found at the end of this course. He was disillusioned and stuck. He had no one to back him up. It was a repeat of the same old “shit”. A previous offer to deal in drugs in a big way became an interesting alternative to the dark days of despair. There was also the “sweetener” which allowed him some of the benefits for his own use. It was a liberating experience. He was energetic, alive, out and about and finding it financially rewarding but…and there was a but…something was missing. He was becoming aware of the honeymoon period tarnishing and fading in its attractiveness. Although he had crowds of “friends” he felt unsatisfied, restless and empty. For whatever reason, perhaps his instincts, perhaps a calling from his deeper self he stopped dealing in drugs. He had accumulated his profits and decided to afford himself some time in therapy. No one had pushed him to come to therapy, but he came anyway. He said that he needed some space to collect his thoughts and see what he really wanted out of life. It was interesting to note that he had been spaced out for some years on drugs but now needed some real space to integrate his experiences in therapy. He realised that before the drugs he was interpersonally awkward and had struggled to fit into the norms of others. He had self-diagnosed himself as being “Aspergers” from the internet. In company he felt ill at ease, uncomfortable in relation to others, but on drugs and in the drugs business he set the norms where others had to fall in line with him. He went from being “underdog” to “topdog”. But in reality when he was on his own he was falling into dark recesses and dark thoughts. But dealing had opened his mind to the realisation that he had the capacity to relate. He began to notice when he was relaxed that he could observe alternative ways of communicating with others. He could just hang back and listen instead of pushing his point to the exclusion of the other. He learnt that he could sometimes just stay back and tolerate the other person having a view different from his own position. In therapy he began to evaluate and discover social tools; ways of thinking and relating that would enable a little more fluidity in social situations. With the use of mindfulness as a daily practice he was able to focus on his breath which helped him to return, centre and calm himself in the present as he came to terms with things. With practice Michael was able to find stillness where there had been a frightening stasis. He began to develop ways of returning to the present coming back to the safety of the now. Where there had been chaos in his past, particularly in his violent alcoholic family of origin, the now offered hope and stability. He began to trust his gut instincts more. It was this instinct which had led him to stop dealing, it was this instinct which had brought him to therapy… and he was finding out about Michael, beginning to understand the little Michael who had considered himself stupid and had been told by teachers that he was stupid…understanding the little Michael whose mind could only hear the raised voices and screams as his mother fought for her life in the room next door struggling with her alcoholic boyfriend, night after night. He had been raised in a nightmare of turmoil and was now finding his way back to centre…mourning the past, comforting the little frightened Michael and encouraging the adult man to follow his instincts.
“How simple and frugal a thing is happiness: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea…All that is required to feel that here and now is a simple, frugal heart.”
Nikos Kazantzakis